Between this and the Dirty Dancing reference the other day, Beau Allen is on a roll. Still not as good as Emmanuel Acho, though.
[I will assume that Allen and our NRG sponsor buddy Connor Barwin are both wearing pants. Or not. You haven't really bonded with someone until you've sat uncomfortably close to them naked, or something.]
Jason Kelce underwent successful sports hernia surgery today, and now begins the 6-8 week road back to the playing field. In his place, David Molk (who was unemployed at this time last year) will lead the O-line at the center position. It’s hard to look at this depleted offensive line and not think “Hey, isn’t this exactly what Eliot Shorr-Parks said he was worried about on the podcast?” It is, and somehow I think it’s all his fault.
Often times, teams and organizations will unknowingly endorse a life protocol simply through their carefully considered marketing efforts. For example, Apple commercials tell me that I should have exactly three ridiculously photogenic Asian friends, two ridiculously photogenic black friends (one bald male, one female with crazy, teased-out hair), an average looking white male friend named Johnny, and a free-spirited-yet-stable ex-girlfriend named Beth or Jenn whom I for some reason keep allowing to show up in my recent contacts. I’ll never feel whole until I get this ratio just right.
In that same spirit, today the Eagles officially put their stamp of approval on raising your kid like a Kenzo. They posted a comic demonstrating the proper ways to raise an Eagles fan: singing Fly Eagles Fly into a bullhorn over their crib, sending them to school with a pickle juice-complemented lunch, letting Malcolm Jenkins serve your three-year-old daughter tea, encouraging color blindness by forcing them to use crayons comprised only of the many shades of Midnight Green, giving them an RV at 16, and:
Somewhere, Dave Spadaro is yelling at his superior, “I GOT REPRIMANDED FOR MERELY SPITTING ON IT… but I would love to poop in this thing. Can I poop in this thing?”
This compared to the way fans used to watch the Ice Girls– lustfully.
As you may have heard, this season the Flyers will have very-clothed men cleaning the ice during TV timeouts. I’m hesitant to call them Ice Boys, because that sounds like the name Jeff Carter would’ve given to his clique circa 2009, or a derogatory term for the backroom cleanup crew at an LA night club. But gone are the short-shorted Ice Girls, made famous by this guy’s mouth-agape stare and their long, tanned, stretchy, muscular legs.
Last night the new crew made their debut, and not surprisingly, the boos were plentiful:
You will be missed, scantily glad girls.
H/T to (@picklesnshrimp)
If you need me, I’ll be in the other room chewing on glass and breaking my hand attempting to punch through drywall. I need a timeout right now. Too much excitement today.
Email from reader Mark, one of St. Joe’s finest:
great coverage of the game yesterday. Just figured I’d share this gem from my tailgate yesterday. We were planning on burning our desean jerseys as many did, when the mounted police left us a nice treat… a big ole horse shit! We flipped the dung on top of the desean jerseys and people were driving over the jerseys it was great! one guy in a huge truck ran it over then backed up to run it over again, then spun out on the jerseys, it was awesome until we realized horse shit was flying everywhere! Fuck Desean.
“The Hawk Will Never Die!”
Email from reader Brian, who presumably didn’t know that this was all reader Mark’s doing:
Kyle- a police horse took a dump on a pile of Jaccpot jerseys yesterday. A step up (or down?) from burning them. Enjoy.
And they say it’s always sunny here.
Eagles center Jason Kelce has a sports hernia injury and will likely need surgery, according to NFL sources.
Kelce will undergo further evaluation, but surgery of some form is expected. He could miss up to two months or more, but additional tests will help determine the length of absence for the leader of the Eagles offensive line. Backup David Molk jumped in for Kelce in the Eagles’ 37-34 win over the Redskins on Sunday.
This is bad. The offensive line was a strength going into the season. Now it’s best described an anonymous group of hardworking trash cans and Jason Peters.
Because it wouldn’t be an Eagles win without a guy in a presonalized #69 jersey taking down a guy in a Riley Cooper jersey, while a woman in a Brent Celek jersey watched — seriously, it’s the whitest fight of all time. The video above, posted on Instagram by R5 Productions’ Sean Agnew, undoubtedly only catches part of the whole thing. We do get to see, however, that poor guy who got forcibly face-planted into the ground just for being near the fight. If anyone else has pictures or footage, send ‘em our way.
h/t Busted Coverage and CSN