Brayden Schenn Had a Goal, an Assist… and a Belly Scar

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That sound you hear is our female readership squealing as their primal instincts send blood rushing to their nether regions. Looking at you, Brandi:


Schenn was cut by Dainius Zubrus’ skate as he attempted a hit near the boards. But he’s a hockey player and didn’t miss any time. The only lasting impact of the cut will be the inevitable scar that will serve as a treasure map to 20-somethings in Old City eager to uncover parts unknown.

That may have been the best part of Schenn’s evening, but there was more. As reader Ed noted, Brayden may have created his own hattie:

Move over, Gordie Howe, Brayden Schenn has now coined The Schenner— a goal, an assist.. and a scar that’s going to get him laid*:

*For real. I don’t know if I can place enough emphasis on the premium location of that scar. It’s just far enough from things to not be freakish, but close enough to drive puck sluts wild. “Show me your battle wounds, Brayden. Oh yes. YES. YES!” This is “Bruce Jenner requests this look from his plastic surgeon” territory.

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  • Mr. Schenn January 8, 2014 at 9:55 am

    B. Schenn only had 1 goal.

    • John Kruk's Tummy January 8, 2014 at 10:28 am

      You aren’t very smart are you?

      Ever hear of the Gordie Howe Hatrick?

      • Puber January 8, 2014 at 10:36 am

        The original article said “two goals, an assist.. and a scar that’s going to get him laid.* His correction was that Schenn had “one goal, an assist.. and a scar that’s going to get him laid.*

  • Easy Ed Moran January 8, 2014 at 9:57 am

    anyone else miss Dan gross on philly dot com? That chick sucks

  • Sheckler January 8, 2014 at 10:46 am

    Just wanted to report back that Hockey fans are ALL White Trash.

    Look at the photo of the broad posted in this column. She’s in the “upper class” expensive board seats and she still can’t hide her trashiness. She’s got some shitty hybrid necklace/dog collar that Avril Lavigne rocked 12 years ago, which was never cool, and only worn by outcasts trying to look like revels in school. Guaranteed there’s a man within 5 seats of her wearing Jean Shorts.

    • Sheckler January 8, 2014 at 10:47 am

      fucking typo.. revels = rebels. I can’t feel my fingers, fuck the cold.

    • Puber January 8, 2014 at 11:10 am

      The picture is from warm ups, bud. Some dirtneck with tickets in row 15 of section 222A can watch pregame up against the glass.

    • 19kmm83 January 8, 2014 at 11:14 am

      Last night’s game was in NEW JERSEY. ’nuff said.

      • Sheckler January 8, 2014 at 11:22 am

        NHL/Hockey fans are worse than Soccer fans if you tell them you don’t like the sport. Instead of having an open discussion regarding the pros/cons of the game as a whole, Hockey fans immediately jump on the offensive ..

        Typical response by a jean short wearing, Pantera t-shirt under his shitty leclair jersey guy – “YOU’RE A FUCKING PUSSY, IT’S TOO FAST FOR YOU PROBABLY, STICK TO BASEBALL FAG WE DON’T WANT YOU”

        Sorry sir, I was hoping we could discuss the over-saturation of the market in terms of teams and players, but instead we had to stoop down to this level. Have fun playing hacky sack in the parking lot while “tailgating” for the flyers game. Nothing screams badass more than jean shorts and poor coordination – I’m off to Xfinity Live.

        • DoucheBags Abound!!! January 8, 2014 at 11:43 am

          You talk about an intelectual conversation, while acting like a child. Face it hockey players are some of the fittest athletes in the world. They expend more energy in the first three strides than sprinters do in an entire race.
          Hockey>football: Only averages 7 minutes of actual game play in 60 minute game. Overrated.
          Hockey>baseball: can have three plus hours of no/1 hit of just shitty play( not a true picthers duel, one of those 5th starter games
          Hockey>basketball: the only people who flop more than basketball players are soccer players. No defense in games. No matter how well you play. Never have a shutout ever!!!
          Hockey>soccer: constant flopping and penalties for just being touched.
          Please next time you want to make a point, don’t act like a child.

          • Sheckler January 8, 2014 at 1:06 pm

            Your argument is invalid.. People who run Triathlons are the fittest athletes in the world. I’d like to see Bryz give it a shot one time, doubt he makes it out of the 2nd mile.

            Here’s my point – I’m not trying to get in a pissing match over who has better athletes. It’s simply a flawed argument which proves nothing in the end.

            The market dictates what sport(s) are most interesting to the general public. The market has spoken, and the NHL continues to lose its National TV Broadcasting presence. These are facts.

  • A Gay Guy January 8, 2014 at 11:26 am

    I’d lick that cut clean!

  • ThePhillyFlash January 8, 2014 at 12:30 pm

    Pfft! Doesn’t come close to that goalie who caught a skate blade across his throat and nearly bled out on the ice years ago. I’d bet HE got more babes afterwards!

  • moosepa January 9, 2014 at 10:18 am

    Mexican Hat Trick?

  • Lt Clueless January 10, 2014 at 6:43 pm

    Well Chicks dig scars… so ya, that would get him laid once he’s healed up enough.

    If he brings the same intensity to the bedroom as he does on ice… she’s a lucky gal.

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