Did Marcus Hayes Write a Horrific Sonnet Today?

He did.

I’m sorry, but I don’t know how this guy gets a paycheck. Here’s Marcus Hayes’ latest, lazy sonnet– this one about Andrew Bynum. It’s literally 1,000 words of one-sentence paragraph bullshit. A substantial excerpt:

Harris did not stipulate that Bynum had to play 82 games, or 22, or two, for that matter.

Bynum knows this.

Bynum also knows that he finally has a chance to get healthy.

There is no expectation from a Lakers franchise so desperate for championships that it fired its head coach five games into this season. The Lakers expected Bynum to play every possible minute.

He won't do that again.

Not with a team that plans to use his 7-foot, 285-pound, 25-year-old frame as the central structure for the franchise.

"Obviously, the kind of player I am, I'm not going to go anywhere," Bynum said. "Health is still the main concern. I'm just listening to the doctors and folks, being cautious."

And if he weren't considered a gilded property? If he didn't have that breakout 2011-12 season?

"It wouldn't be any different. I think this is the way I need to handle it,' Bynum insisted.

That's fine.

It's untrue, but it's fine.

If Bynum wasn't assured of his importance, he would be playing sooner than Boxing Day.

If Bynum wasn't confident that overuse put him in this position, he would be champing at the bit.

"It's not conducive [to good health] for athletes to have to play in that environment," Bynum said.

And, maybe if the team really needed him, he might push it a little bit.

The Sixers played virtually no defense Monday night, looked sluggish playing their sixth game in 9 days, and lost, 105-96. Without the encumbrance of Bynum, the Sixers have grown, and they have learned.

They learned that Jrue Holiday's late-season takeover of the team was no mirage. They learned that Evan Turner's playoff fade was, well, no mirage. They learned that replacement starter Lavoy Allen is a fine backup.

And they are fine.

They have a weak first-half schedule. They have a rotation that goes nine players deep every night; nine players who might start on many teams.

So, Bynum will take it slow.

After weeks of the soccer mom workout, he will soon begin running and jumping again.

"Phase 2 will start next week," Bynum said. "That will tell me a lot."

It will tell him he has done the right thing . . . so far.

If he needs more time, he will take it; even if it means no Bynum until Valentine's Day.

After all, when it comes to big men's knees, life's a box of chocolates:

You never know what you're going to get.

 

Really.

14 Comments

  1. Why do you keep giving this guy airtime? Everytime you post his stuff or talk about him, it’s giving him more and more exposure. Who cares already.

  2. Here’s my sonnet:
    This isn’t sports news.
    I like your site.
    I read it every day.
    But this comes off as a whiny punk journalist trying to be some kind of English snob.
    Give it up, stick to sports. You want to make fun of players, or things that happen in games, fine.
    But in the big picture, no one reads the newspaper anyway.
    So who cares?

  3. The only thing lazier than a Marcus Hayes column is copying and pasting a Marcus Hayes column.
    Those who live in glass houses and whatnot.

  4. The only thing worse than a marcus hayes article is an imposter defending it.
    Seriously, there are 6th graders that can pump out the same garbage for less money.

  5. And a forrest gump quote to finish it off. Brilliant

  6. I agree with Gray. Marcus Hayes isn’t worth the sweat off my testicles as he’s been an arrogant, player buttmunching asshole for years. Why give this snotty moron so much as a second’s worth of publicity that he damn sure doesn’t deserve?

  7. Kyle Scott's sister

    November 13, 2012 at 10:50 am

    The only person worse than Marcus Hayes covering sports in this city is Kyle Scott. No wait David Murphy, then Kyle Scott.

  8. The Original that guy

    November 13, 2012 at 11:00 am

    DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLCCCCCCCCCCCCCCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FOOORRRRR LIIFFFEE!!!11!!one!

  9. Bastardo's Giant Quads

    November 13, 2012 at 11:05 am

    It is fuckin unreadable and I don’t know how he’s employed my self. Dude is awful.
    Also I have no problem with you obsessing over this dude. If I had a website I would trash Sarge at least once a week.
    If you dont like it, dont read the article. Who gives a shit.
    Thats my sonnet.

  10. Me worst journalers in zee area
    1. Tim Pannachio
    2. Kyle Scott(Lucky Pierre)
    3. Marcus Hayes

  11. I am officially coining the term “Hayesku”

  12. ps- Barkann should have punched him that time

  13. He gets a paycheck because he absolutely reeks of “I Am Taking You To Court For Discrimination” if they shitcan his untalented ass. Case closed.

  14. He fucking speaks the same way. Bitch is always sighing and throwing in a few hundred too many dramatic pauses.
    Marcus Hayes should be fired.
    But he won’t be.
    Because he’s black.
    And white.
    Maybe John Smallwood will eat him if we pour chocolate syrup on him.
    Maybe.

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