The Definitive Flyers Man Crush Guide

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Reader email:

Kyle,

I’m starting to get that feeling again….that itch to crush…man crush.

This time the Flyers are starting to get me all hot and bothered.  So it’s time I ask you, Mr. Man Crush himself, Kyle Scott, who IS the marquee man crush on this Flyers roster?

Do I start with the proud papa of this young and exciting bunch? Lavs?  Is has to be OK to crush on a man who demands JAM, right?  RIGHT?!?  What about that #HartnellDown and his crazy ginger locks?  Or G…how do I NOT crush on G after that demonstration of MAN in game 6?  Or do I crush on the old gray crotch, who was once a hated opponent and now is the loved elderly statesmen on this young team, Jags?  What about Danny B, and his Mr. April alter ego?  Is Coburn man crush material?  Or Simmonds and his “don’t take no sh*t” attitude?  What about Kimmo?  His name is F’ing Kimmo!  Or Carle, is it Ok to crush on him? Can I crush on Maxime Talbot?  Who Kyle, who can I crush on?  Should I lean towards our humongous big Russian nut job goalie with the sexy Husky? What about crushing on our Swedish Duo of Defense Grossmann (with two Ns) and Gustafsson?  I mean am I even allowed to crush on Schenn, Couturier or Wellwood? Voracek? Read or Rinaldo, Or is that statutory?

It’s happening again, Man Crush overload, but this time it almost feels…wrong?  I almost wish this team wasn’t so loaded with young talent….I wouldn’t feel like such a creeper 

Please Kyle, help me get this decision right!

Adam

 

Oh, you again… 

You may recall that, last summer, Adam asked for help in solving his conundrum, his most dire of needs: Which Phillie was the appropriate to crush on?

I answered by providing him with The Definitive Phillies Man Crush Guide, everything you need for choosing the appropriate Phillie to man crush on. I thought all was well, but now it seems that the loves of Adam’s life – athletes that he’ll likely never meet – have stranded him. Dear John’d him with a little note about needing space… and a fucking cleanup hitter.

So he has turned to the city’s hockey team, a group of mostly young, chiseled men, who, we’re told, play with some serious jam. 

As per the usual with homoerotic emails injected into my thick inbox, let’s break this down, line-by-line.

 

Kyle,

I’m starting to get that feeling again….that itch to crush…man crush.

You should really get that looked at.

 

This time the Flyers are starting to get me all hot and bothered.  So it’s time I ask you, Mr. Man Crush himself, Kyle Scott, who IS the marquee man crush on this Flyers roster?

Excuse me for a moment. I’m going to remove my Claude Giroux underwear and ginger wig so I can answer objectively.

 

Do I start with the proud papa of this young and exciting bunch, Lavs?  It has to be OK to crush on a man who demands JAM, right?  RIGHT?!?   

Wrong. Let me tell you something right now, Adam: If a man ever approaches you and “demands jam,” run away immediately. He either wants to sex your corpse or snort drugs off you. Either way, you’re not going to walk right for years… or perhaps all of eternity. 

Uncomfortable jokes aside, Lavs is a strong candidate here. In fact, I’ll argue that he could be the favorite. He wears his raw emotions on his sleeve. He has charming tells– like removing his gum to indicate anger, or the way in which he deadpans his humor as he hides a wry smile behind his perfectly pursed lips. He’s a layered and complex individual. He’ll give the assembled media nothing, but then call-in to Mike Missanelli’s show and go deeper than is probably necessary. And his moods are as intriguing as they are mysterious.

There’s something about him that looks kind of goofy, too, but you can’t put your finger on it. That’s always a strong intangible when defining a man crush (see Lee comma Cliff and Pence comma Hunter).

Lavs’ speeches, seemingly off the cuff, inspire and motivate. His voice is strong, but not radio-like (again: you can’t put your finger on it). 

And then there are the fist pumps:

image from mobilwi.typepad.com 

He’s a strong candidate. But, since we’re talking about the team and its players, I’m going to rule here that you can simultaneously crush on the coach and one additional player. It’s like Mormonism or something. 

Probably the or something part.

 

What about that #HartnellDown and his crazy ginger locks?  

Harts is kind of like that goofy female friend you have. She doesn’t necessarily have to look like Kathy Griffin, but it helps. You would never sleep with her (even though you once made out and slipped your hand just far enough into her pants that it made things weird for nearly two years). She’s a tad too crazy for your liking and, since you were friends through college, you’ve seen her at her worst and in precarious situations.  

Throwing up out the back of a taxi? Check. A crying, hormonal mess who didn’t care about life enough to so much as towel off her tangled, matted hair for weeks after getting dumped by some weirdo she met on Match.com? Check. Blacked out and getting double-team on an unfortunate couch by two dudes after a long night of partying in Sea Isle? Check, check and triple fucking check.

Basically, she’s comfortable farting around you.

That’s Hartnell.

You love him, but just not in that way. It’s not a bad thing. He may be your rocksteady, your go-to that can always be counted on for a good laugh and a fun night out… but he’s not the one you want. You need a complete, well-rounded relationship. Though you’ll be lifelong companions and will never say anything bad about Hartnell, this one isn’t going to work.

 

Or G…how do I NOT crush on G after that demonstration of MAN in game 6?   

The phrase demonstration of man has just entered the CB lexicon. Thank you.

Giroux is perfect. I mean, I’m not sure he would always be faithful to you, but you wouldn’t even care. You’d be fucking Claude Giroux! It doesn’t matter that he’s not the best-looking one in the group (that’s Max Talbot). He just has the perfect combination of skill, personality, drive and passion. 

Ah yes, that passion. Let me refer you to what I wrote following Game 1 against the Devils: 

My word, that was violent. How many players have the ability to routinely swing their stick so wildly on one-timers yet maintain such perfect precision on the resulting shot? Very few, if any. Giroux won a game in Anaheim earlier this year with that shot, and he found success with it again yesterday.

That was the power play equivalent of hate sex. I’m not even sure Claude enjoyed it… he just wanted to dominate the goaltender and shoot a load over his head.

Has anyone else noticed that, since he's now in ninth gear for the playoffs, Giroux has angry celebrations?  In fact, he doesn’t even celebrate. He just scores to get himself more fired up. We haven’t seen this since Kenny Rogers fist-pumped and stomped his way off the mound during the 2006 World Series. Of course, the difference between the G and Rogers is that Giroux isn’t on steroids.*

 

He’s the classic alpha male: he dominates because he wants to… because he has to. He thrives on domination, but is self-aware enough to defer when need be. Most times he will run the show, but can play the power-bottom, as well. 

This is going to be a purely sexual relationship for you. Don’t expect him to take you out for ice cream. If that’s what you’re looking for, call Matt Carle. But if you want to crush on someone who you can count on to rock your world in violent and pleasurable ways that you never thought possible… well then, find Ginger Jesus. Because goddamn it will be satisfying… and he may lead you to the promised land and quench your thirst using a silver chalice.

 

Or do I crush on the old gray crotch, who was once a hated opponent and now is the loved elderly statesmen on this young team, Jags?   

Under no circumstances should you ever crush on a guy you refer to as old gray crotch, unless you’re a chick who serves pancakes for a living and are looking for a way out.  

Sure, Jags has shown us his delightful personality, and he’d be much more than just a line of foreign credit for you. He’s possesses charm and blends surprising well with young people and your friends. But there’s no getting around the fact that he’s old. He will only be here for another year (at most), which means that investing in a future with him is a fruitless effort.

Jags has been with so many other fan bases before that, despite nearly a year of being the perfect candidate, it’s hard to tell if he’s genuine. That’s not to say he has a hidden agenda, but, at this point, all of your fawning and these playoff battles are old hat to Jags. He’s seen it all before. It doesn’t excite him. It’s just… his life. You need to look no further than Pittsburgh to see what happens when you expect even a disproportionately small emotional investment from Jagr. It’s just business. He may be one of the greatest companies in the world… but he’s still a business.

Crushing on Jags would be like day-trading. You may make a ton of cash over the next six weeks, since he’s a stable foreign stock, but where’s the future? In five years, all of your jerseys, posters and t-shirts will be worthless.

 

What about Danny B, and his Mr. April alter ego? 

He takes in young strays. Always be wary of this.

 

Is Coburn man crush material?  

No, but his wife is.

image from mobilwi.typepad.com 

Or Simmonds and his “don’t take no sh*t” attitude?  

Here, a picture response:

  Screen Shot 2012-05-01 at 5.19.07 PM 

All I'm saying is: Once you go Simmonds, you never go… um, back.

 

What about Kimmo?  His name is F’ing Kimmo! 

Yeah, and my name is Kyle. What's your point? He’s like the team dad. Get ahold of yourself, man.

 

Or Carle, is it Ok to crush on him?  

See above.

 

Can I crush on Maxime Talbot?  

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Photo by Adam d'Oliveira and his Facebook page

Good choice. Now we’re into personal preference. 

Talbot is great-looking (seriously, he is), but he starts off with a few strikes against him. Maxime is very French-sounding, so that’s not good. And Talbot was essentially married before– won a Cup in Pittsburgh, which means that, should you and he hit it off and see the relationship consummated with, say, a Stanley Cup, it will be nothing he hasn’t seen or done before. Not that it’s a bad thing… it just means that it’s not new to him. That kind of diminishes your experience, your euphoria. You can never replicate the first time, and you want someone who will experience those joys with you.

Here, a picture from Talbot's first wedding:

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Man crushing on Max Talbot would be like living life as Hank Baskett. Do you really want to walk around knowing that there are pictures of your significant other fucking some troll (NSFW link!) floating all around the Internet?

Do you remember how great it was when the Phillies won the World Series, partly because the team’s entire nucleus was as completely geeked out as you were? Pat Burrell rode on a fucking horse-drawn carriage. Carlos Ruiz almost exploded. Chase Utley yelled World Fucking Champions in front of 45,000. All of their euphoria added to yours. If you choose Talbot, though, he’ll be the guy sitting back, taking it all in as you experience winning for the first time.

That or he’ll just take you to Burrell’s old condo and crush you over the sink. Either way, you wouldn't be the first.

 

Who Kyle, who can I crush on? JVR?

Ew, no. Look, Riemer may come out of hiding for a few weeks each spring (some have even compared him to the Honey Badger), but he’s not man crush material. He’s like that guy in high school who was supremely talented at his sport and only got to hang out with all the jocks because he was on their team (and, often, better than they were). But he wasn’t cool. He couldn’t take a joke, was always uptight, usually injured, and thought that everyone was out to get him… kind of like Adam Banks in The Mighty Ducks

Regardless of what JVR may do over the next month or so, he’ll likely return to his usual fraidy (I made that word up) self for much of the regular season next year. 

If you want someone who’s going to be mopey all the time and take outside slapshots, then JVR is your man… I guess?

 

Should I lean towards our humongous big Russian nut job goalie with the sexy Husky?

image from www.sportsgrid.com

Wow. Now you’re getting into some progressive shit. And you know you’re going to wind up with that dog licking peanut butter off your balls. 

Screen Shot 2012-05-01 at 5.32.52 PM

Bryz is weird. Crush on him and you’ll find yourself on Real Sex, wearing only doggy ears and a tiger skin cape, hopping around like a bunny while getting pulled along by a leather leash attached to a spiked collar. 

Look, I’m not saying it wouldn’t be good, but it would certainly be different. Bryz is an acquired taste, who vacillates wildly between crushable and straight-up weird. He’s a real high-risk, high-reward man crush. Though he seems so in-tune with his body that he could probably show you some positively awesome breathing techniques to prolong euphoria… like, say, into June.

But is it worth it?

I guess you have to ask yourself this question: Would I go to an underground sex club in Manhattan? If you’re nodding your head yes, then Bryz may be for you. But if you think it’s really fucking weird that we’re even talking about this, then you’ll probably want to politely decline. 

 

What about crushing on our Swedish Duo of Defense Grossmann (with two Ns) and Gustafsson?  

Do you really want to have to sign that name for the rest of existence?

And for Grossmann: He looks like he could kill someone with his bare hands. So I’d stay away.

 

I mean am I even allowed to crush on Schenn, Couturier or Wellwood? 

It’s weird, bro. Judging by your email signature – “Business Analyst,” which is a fancy term given to mid-level employees who are one or two steps above entry-level – you’re probably at least five years their senior. That’s uncomfortable. It raises that whole can I wear another man’s jersey if he’s younger than me? question. The answer is yes, if said player is star-quality. Giroux, 24, is acceptable. Bryce Harper, if you’re one of six Nats fans, would be acceptable. DeSean Jackson two years ago? Ditto. Young Mike Richards? Sure. But until Schenn, Couturier or Wellwood really develop into stars -or, well, men - then it’s probably best that you stay away, weirdo. 

 

Voracek?

Dude… he’s ugly.

 

Read or Rinaldo?

Too fringe. Though it seems like Rinaldo could fuck his way out of safety deposit box. He gets points there.

 

It’s happening again, Man Crush overload, but this time it almost feels…wrong?  I almost wish this team wasn’t so loaded with young talent….I wouldn’t feel like such a creeper.

Please Kyle, help me get this decision right! 

It was G all along. Here, wear these:

Giroux_underwear

Photoshop via (@MatthewFuntime)

28 Comments

  1. Kyle Scott… making uncomfortable conversations comfortable since 2009. For me at least. Thank you.

  2. poor Hip European anders lilja and cute little bobrovsky got snubbed in this

  3. Schtick Coma

    May 1, 2012 at 6:41 pm

    I suggest that you just blow a few athletes to alleviate these intense feelings. When you finally mature, I’m sure you’ll find the right man.

  4. Angelo Cataldi

    May 1, 2012 at 6:48 pm

    You’re a fucking faggot dude…

  5. carls barkley

    May 1, 2012 at 7:00 pm

    i crush on the old gray crotch.

  6. Wow, those drawers are just disturbing.

  7. OneManWolfpack

    May 1, 2012 at 7:05 pm

    That was impressively long… however the parts that I skimmed were kind of funny.

  8. Rangers fan who goes to Drexel

    May 1, 2012 at 7:09 pm

    Fucking faggots

  9. Girl who sucks dick in Xfinity live bathrooms

    May 1, 2012 at 7:37 pm

    I’m 99.9% sure Adam and Kyle have suck a few cock, how gay can you get, just watch the games and stop talking like little school girls you cunts

  10. X Live Panty Dropper

    May 1, 2012 at 8:43 pm

    This is funny Kyle. Too long but hilarious.

  11. Girl who sucks dick in Xfinity live bathrooms

    May 1, 2012 at 9:19 pm

    No fucking jam tonight

  12. The guy pretending to be the guy who wore the "the black guy" jersey

    May 1, 2012 at 9:58 pm

    Phillies were more exciting then the Flyers tonight…and that’s saying something.

  13. dude the sixers were more exciting than the Flyers tonight…now we’re really saying something

  14. Rangers fan who goes to Drexel

    May 1, 2012 at 11:30 pm

    Mac Miller knock knock is some faggot shit

  15. This is probably the most uncomfortable I’ve ever been reading this blog. You got really deep into your homoerotic feelings for each player. Alot more than I expected. Way to go on being secure with your sexuality.

  16. brahbrahbrah

    May 2, 2012 at 2:04 am

    all i have to say is that this was absolutely fucking hilarious. and also, gus may have a really weird last name, but that kid is fucking adorable.

  17. Son of "Rangers fan who is really, really not gay" and "Angelo Cataldi"

    May 2, 2012 at 7:47 am

    oh, look at me! I’m so manly that the mere fact that a light-hearted, entertaining article was written about other men requires me to show everyone how massive my penis is!! I’M SO STRAIGHT!! RAHHH!!!!

  18. Adam from Claymont

    May 2, 2012 at 8:17 am

    Just want to clarify…. this is not my email….. had to get that out there

  19. Confirms EVERYTHING I’ve thought about Phlyers and their Phans since 1976.

  20. I loved every part of this.

  21. Angelo Cataldi

    May 2, 2012 at 12:44 pm

    Son of me….Go suck play football with a wasps nest you pile of trash. While youre at it, stick your infected penis tip into a wood chipper you fucking child molester. This is the stupidest fucking article ever written. “HEY GUYS, WHICH FLYERS ASSHOLE WOULD YOU SHOVE YOU BONER INTO?” You can go fuck a brick wall with your face you fucking worthless pile of RHEA HUGHES shit.

  22. Andrej Meszaros! How can you leave him out?

  23. Son of "Rangers fan who is really, really not gay" and "Angelo Cataldi"

    May 2, 2012 at 2:50 pm

    :)

  24. Angelo, I’m with your son on this one, buddy. I think one more expletive or creative(?) insult would have made you sound really really tough. Now, for your own sake, just relax before you brandish your idiocy again.

  25. Angelo Cataldi…what are you so bitter about?

  26. Jesus people — JOKE. JOKE. Holy crap.
    I thought it was funny. I always suspected that Schultzie was the definitive Flyers Man Crush myself …

  27. I get the feeling that this Adam guy spends a lot of time getting dick at Woody’s

  28. Should Holmgren get any consideration here?

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