This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency. We’re gonna press on, and we’re gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Sam Hinkie traded for Ronny Fucking Turiaf. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he’s gonna find the jolliest bunch of Process trusters this side of The Center.
Don’t piss me off, Jim.
So just how intense is it right now? I had Jim make the two-hour train ride out here to pack Ugly Christmas Sweatshirts so we can get as many as possible on trucks to you today, no questions asked. Yule-fucking-tide. He gets three rations of bread– two at lunch, and the third at the end of the day if he doesn’t screw up any orders. If something should go awry, it’s three lashings per mistake. What, you think Phil Knight got to where he is without making examples out of a few Taiwanese children along the way? You think seven – SEVEN! – Chinese workers didn’t kill themselves to make your iPhone? We’re running an expanding empire here and I’m two steps from packing Ugly Christmas Sweatshirts in buckets of fry batter and trucking it across state lines. As it is, I’m personally delivering carloads of parcels to multiple post offices – decentralizing distribution to prevent any one snag from taking down the whole goddamn system – to ensure your holiday cheer. I’ve, um, negotiated with printers, UPS, postal workers and today I even sweet talked a literal snail and was like, “Yo, can you get this there by the office Christmas party on Thursday?” Yesssssssssssssssss, I can. Yesterday, I made so much of a stink with UPS that after an initial delivery of stock, they had a woman in an unmarked white van make an off-books run. She said she just had knee replacement surgery and didn’t have her scanner. She asked if I had a razor blade to cut the labels off the boxes so she could take them back and manually scan them. I had scissors and obliged her request in my garage and didn’t bother to question the relevance of her knee surgery, but I thanked her for bringing you holiday cheer. Trust the process.
All other orders – Trust The Process (t-shirts and hoodies), Bang and For The Championship are coming on an escorted charter plane and will ship this week. An order today gets you a shirt by around Monday or Tuesday in most cases. We’re actually running low on Ugly Christmas Sweatshirt stock and probably aren’t doing another run, so get yours now. Just a few more orders and my wife will be divorcing me for Christmas and taking half of all t-shirt profits. A holiday twofer! Want to find out what it takes to end my otherwise happy marriage?