Your Donovan McNabb Reader

Highlights of our coverage of Former Five since 2010. In order.

McNabb wants the Redskins to sign T.O.:

ESPN is reporting that Donovan McNabb is lobbying the Redskins to consider signing TO. They will probably exhaust all other options first, but it sort of makes sense in that TO is actually a good fit for them. They need a bigger veteran WR who can be a consistent red zone target to pair with the smaller Santana Moss, whose strength is catching deep balls, and the other less experienced WRs on the roster.

McNabb snubbed by Justin Bieber:

At Saturday night’s White House Correspondents Dinner, where Barack Obama roasts members of the media, McNabb became a punchline himself, as he was one of many celebrities in attendance.  Another? Pop singer/teenie boppin heart throb, Justin Bieber.

According to the Washington Post, McNabb asked Beiber for an autograph to give to his 6 year old daughter. Bieber, who was on his way to the mens room, told McNabb to wait until he was finished.

McNabb’s jersey not allowed to be worn at training camp:

Tim McManus of PhillySportsDaily.com (great new site, check it out), reports that an Eagles security guard asked a fan, Jim Devlin, to remove his #5 Donovan McNabb Redskins jersey. They said Andy Reid made the request.

McNabb contradicts himself:

The highlights?  They’re aren’t many, but what we do see, is a walking contradiction.  He tries to paint himself as a guy who let’s things roll off his shoulders.  What he winds up doing, is showing us that he still has pent up frustrations with the Eagles.

McNabb on Eagles’ QB situation:

“That’s Philadelphia”

McNabb expects to be cheered by Eagles fans:

“Honestly, I think that I would be cheered. More cheered than booed,” McNabb said during “The Donovan McNabb Show” on ESPN 980. “No matter what the situation is right now, that I’m with a different team and obviously it’s kind of a rival, and it wasn’t by my choice.”

McNabb’s end zone celebrations are a betting prop:

Michael Jackson leg kick dance
+2000
Dunk the ball over the goal post
+2000
Finger roll the ball over the goal post
+2000

McNabb gets benched in two-minute drill:

With 1:50 remaining in yesterday’s Redskins game, Donovan McNabb was benched in favor of Rex Grossman (??), who coach Mike Shanahan thought had a better chance of leading the team to victory.

McNabb could be replaced by Jamarcus Russell:

Now we learn that the Redskins have called in JaMarcus Russell to workout for them.  Russell, who was once described by NBC as being “annually and incredibly overweight” (read: consistently fat), has been working out in Houston with former Sixers coach John Lucas (tangled web, weaving it- you get it).  This would be like the Flyers bringing in Patrick Kane if they were concerned with Jeff Carter’s drinking, only if Kane sucked and was not on an active roster.

McNabb killed by T.O.:

“Well, I don’t really want to start anything, but I did play in the Super Bowl and there were rumors where he couldn’t get our two-minute offense going at the end of the game,” Owens said. “I’m just saying.”

McNabb is not getting $40 million:

Speaking of McNabb, he will not be getting $40 million guaranteed, as was originally reported by ESPN.  Adam Shefter breaks it down.  Basically, McNabb is guaranteed $3.25 million, though if he suffered a career-ending injury this season, he would receive $25 million.

McNabb benched in favor of Rex Grossman:

It’s like we sold Washington a lemon and now they can’t get a refund.  Finally somebody else is learning that Donovan McNabb is generally unaccountable, inaccurate, and chokes in tight spots.

McNabb is killed by Freddie Mitchell:

First of all Donovan’s pass was behind me and it was wobbly, but I had to take advantage of the opportunity that was presented to me. Right when I caught the pill, I kind of knew I had the yardage right away. I looked at the sticks and to see where I was at and I knew I got it. I felt like Michael Jordan hitting a last-second shot or Tiger Woods sinking a 50-foot putt.

McNabb is now a college basketball analyst:

McNabb will be covering the first two rounds of the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament for Comcast Sportsnet Mid-Atlantic. He will appear throughout the weekend to give his thoughts and analysis on all that is college basketball.

McNabb has his blackness questioned by Bernard Hopkins, who is a blowhard:

Yesterday, while in Philadelphia for his fight against Jean Pascal on May 21st, Hopkins took another opportunity to rip former Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb for absolutely no reason. In the past, Hopkins has questioned McNabb’s ability and his heart when it came to the game of football. This time, he went completely overboard, implying that the quarterback isn’t black enough.

McNabb releases statement in response to Bernard Hopkins, who is a blowhard:

“Ill-informed statements such as the perplexing one Mr. Hopkins muttered recently are dangerous and irresponsible. It perpetuates a maliciously inaccurate stereotype that insinuates those African-Americans who have access to a wider variety of resources are somehow culturally different than their brethren.”

McNabb throws himself homecoming parties in Chicago:

I really wanted to stay away from writing about McNabb today (or ever). I ignored his homecoming weekend parties… Yeah, let that sink in, let that percolate for a second. Donovan McNabb is throwing himself parties to celebrate his homecoming to Chicago. Who does that??? Not since Pee Wee Herman have we seen a guy publicly stroke himself in such a festive manner.

McNabb with a backhanded swipe:

“I was there for 11 years, and the biggest thing we brought in was T.O. [Terrell Owens],” said McNabb. “Now they’re getting the so-called ‘Dream Team.’ It’s amazing, but I look back on my career and what they’re doing now … that’s great; that’s excellent. But you’re seeing another side. You’re seeing Andy (coach Andy Reid) taking that chance. It’s not just taking that chance on one guy. They’re taking a chance on a bunch of guys. And they’re spending money. That’s amazing. Ever since the lockout [ended], teams have to spend money.”

McNabb gets pep-talked by Kurt Warner on national TV (my all-time favorite McNabb moment):

This had to be the most emasculating moment of Donovan McNabb’s life– Kurt Warner – the grey-haired quarterback with a man wife who beat McNabb in the 2009 NFC Championship game – giving Five a pick-me-up just hours after his requested release.

The have your mom to send us some soup comment from Rich Eisen probably didn’t help things.

McNabb is crushing it in Minnesota recreational basketball:

Donovan McNabb is playing for Ultimate Hoops Minnesota, part of the self-proclaimed best recreational basketball league in the country. Sweet. Perhaps Five could use another pep talk from Kurt Warner. But there is good news: McNabb put up 14 and 10 for Most Dominant Ever in a game against the Rockets. No, notthose Rockets.

McNabb feels like he can still play:

“I see three teams in the NFL, right now, that I feel like I can add a little bit of flavor to it from what they have,” McNabb said. “I won’t mention those teams. But, if the phone rings, there will be a lot of decisions to make on that.”

McNabb is just as good as Peyton Manning:

Of course, because clearly McNabb is on the level with Manning. And because clearly coaches should have let McNabb’s panicky and pukey (unverified) self run the offense. And because clearly McNabb is destined for the Hall of Fame, like Super Bowl Champion Peyton Manning. Clearly. CLEARLY.

McNabb’s agent tries to drum up interest in his client:

One thing is for sure, though: the three teams that Donovan identified as teams that he could “add a little bit of flavor to” are seemingly not interested in serving as a landing spot for the aged quarterback. Frowny face.

McNabb says he’s the most criticized quarterback of all-time:

Goddammit. The last thing I wanted to do today was post about a conversation between Donovan McNabb and Skip Bayless. It’s the social equivalent of rubbing sandpaper on my balls. But… it’s hard to ignore Former Five when he gets all self-pityyieieyie.

McNabb close to getting a TV job:

Former Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb could be hired soon, but it wouldn’t be a football team doing the hiring.

McNabb to be on Daily News Live:

CSN announced last night that Donovan McNabb will be joining Daily News Liveon Thursdays, most likely to say passive aggressive things about his former team and explain why he’s the greatest of all-time

McNabb hangs out with Evan Turner:

I imagine those two had a classic the fans just don’t understand me fest. Meep, meep.

McNabb plays basketball with Tyreke Evans:

In just the first minute of this video, taken last week at the New Jersey sports complex, we see that McNabb’s post moves and corner jumper are in top form, but that his footwork on defense leaves much to be desired. Oh yeah, and something about a soaking wet wife beater, too.

McNabb believes he was made a scapegoat:

Poor me routine? Check. Deflect (this time to defense)? Check. Drawing inspiration from manufactured wronging? Check. Blame front office? Check. End with a passive aggressive swipe about things temporarily being ironed out but making sure people know it was only temporarily and you still have some moody rage built up inside? That’s a Former Five!

McNabb still wants to play:

Today, seemingly out of nowhere, Donovan McNabb decided to weigh in on the current state of things in the NFL, and why there are certain guys – wink wink nudge nudge – out there who could still maybe probably contribute to a team that needs an old quarterback who can’t move anymore. Wonder who he’s talking about?

McNabb’s mom writes a song about him:

By itself, the video is, at best, a heartwarming anthem… at worst, a loosely copyright-infringed version of Mariah Carey’s Hero. That’s fine. But it’s the song’s writer that catches our attention and, of course, Donovan’s: Wilma McNabb.

McNabb tries to rip Eagles for hiring Chip Kelly:

“After 11-12 interviews and the Eagles go back to the coach who spoke about going back to Oregon. Wow, seems there’s a lot of confusion there.”

McNabb gets joked on by Hugh Douglas:

As part series of Super Bowl PSAs ESPN shot with Hugh Douglas, the former Eagle takes a not-so-subtle swipe at Donovan McNabb. Old, but still funny. Sad, too. Mostly sad.

McNabb congratulates Danica Patrick on winning the Daytona 500 before the Daytona 500:

On Sunday, Patrick won the pole at Daytona (there’s something hot about that line, and don’t you tell me that there’s not), which means she will start the Daytona 500 in the front row. It was a big deal because she was the first woman to ever win the pole (heh) in Sprint Cup race. But upon hearing this news, obvious race fan dude who just wanted to catch the attention of Danica Patrick, Donovan McNabb, tweeted and since deleted (and I’m a fucking poet…).

McNabb gets his own radio show:

Donovan McNabb will co-host a drive-time radio show on the newish NBC Sports Radio with fellow former NFL quarterback Mark Malone. The show will air from 3-7 p.m. on weekdays and will be available in up to 249 markets, apparently not including Philadelphia (according to the NBC Sports website, only NSR updates are available in Philly, on 1490 WBCB).

McNabb slammed by John Cena:

“Donovan McNabb. [boos] Don…ovan McNabb. [boos] Statistically, Donovan McNabb is the greatest quarterback to ever put on an Eagles uniform. [boos] But Mick, listen to how the people in the own city that he played for remember him. [boos] Why? Because Donovan McNabb could not win the big one. Philadelphia cares about its teams, Philadelphia’s fans have passion, and with that type of passion, they deserve  someone who can win the big one. [cheers]”

McNabb asks, before Game 6 of the NBA Finals:

“Is it a must win for the Heat or the Spurs.”

McNabb punched by Bernard Hopkins, who is a blowhard:

Blowhard Bernard Hopkins doesn’t like Donovan McNabb. And when asked by Howard Eskin his thoughts about the advice McNabb gave to RG III recently, B Hop – who was unaware that Former Five was spewing nuggets of nonsense to a young, African American, running quarterback – let loose

McNabb asks:

“Could this be the end of Aaron Hernandez career? Your thoughts?”

McNabb asks:

“Given the evidence we’ve heard so far in the Aaron Hernandez trial do you find him innocent or guilty?”

McNabb says weird things about Jim Thome:

He sat down with Paul Domowitch for an exclusive interview that will run in the Daily News tomorrow. A few excerpts were released on Philly.com today and, in them, McNabb talked about being booed, the perception that he was an Uncle Tom, and the time Jim Thome allegedly said it was hard playing in Philly.

McNabb’s vicious interview:

McNabb spoke with Richard Rys last month for an interview that will run in the September issue of Philadelphia Magazine. It covered a myriad topics, including the Super Bowl, being booed, when McNabb found out he was traded, and much, MUCH more. Shots at Angelo Cataldi, Mike Missanelli, Howard Eskin, Bernard Hopkins and, of course, T.O. And a weird thing about Michael Jordan being responsible for his broken ankle.

McNabb’s tearful retirement speech:

It felt a bit like Donovan was working on the Canton speech that probably won’t come. And his words were a bit… um, lofty for a room full of Eagles scriptuals and in-house personnel. But it was probably the only opportunity Five will get to do something like this. He did a nice job with it. Bonus points for the iPad, too.

McNabb won’t leave RGIII alone:

Like, I’m actually becoming an RGIII fan because he’s being man-stalked by McNabb. I feel bad for the guy. No one should have to put up with that. McNabb is like Alan from The Hangover, if only Alan from The Hangover were an annoying ex-quarterback who, instead of roofies and unintentional hilarity, leeched onto your skin and filled your life with PMS-like passive aggressiveness at every turn. I’m not mad, Robert. I’m just saying, you should have ordered the Skinny Girl instead of the Don Julio. It will make you fat, like me. No one liked me once I got to fat. But it’s cool. We still cool. 

Are we at the point where RGIII can file a restraining order yet? Because he should do that.

McNabb is throwing himself a retirement party:

The best part is that there’s a tiered pricing system that rewards early arrivals, presumably so the party looks like it’s happening long before Former Five shows up. If you arrive between 7-10 p.m., tickets are free. 10-11 p.m.– $10. And after 11 p.m.– $20. Bottle service, however, will run you upwards of $350.

McNabb is throwing himself another retirement party:

Now McNabb Tweets about a second party, which will be held on September 21 at Caesars, as yet another celebration of me! The trailer for the shindig seems… unnecessary.

McNabb tells people to go to the wrong casino:

I’ve been talking up these Donovan McNabb ME parties because Donovan McNabb has been talking up his Donovan McNabb ME parties– celebrations of a Former Five’s career scheduled to take place next weekend after Chip Kelly takes a poop on Andy Reid and after McNabb is honored at that game. And in what has to be some sort of metaphor for his career, McNabb tweeted out a promo for his party at the Pool After Dark in Atlantic City… but, problem: he told people the wrong casino.

Five.

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14 Comments

  • Jaden September 19, 2013 at 11:33 am

    Wow, what a surprise…Just as when he played, he deserves to be ripped for only a small handful of those “stories”. Most of this “coverage” is just insulting and contrived; being covered and talked about by assholes with a hard on for a guy they think slighted them…The guy was nothing but classy, and while hes certainly was not devoid of criticism on and off the field, he never said anything remotely offensive or did anything like beat his gf up or kill dogs. No, we all pretty much forget about shadys shit and quietly keep our thoughts on vick private. but Donny Mac asking perfectly routine and relevant questions about Aron Hernandez (which every otber blowhard on eson was doing), is apparently deserving of a public hanging. A guy like shady, who hasnt won anything for this city, pretty much gets a pass for his barbarism, but donovan essentially just puts his foot in his mouth every once in awhile and he just keeps getting needlessly shit on by a bunch of fucking ingrates, even on the day of his retirement ceremony. Its not like he did anything like bring this team back from the dead and make it relevant again or anything. Sure he didnt win anything, but we sure wouldntve had all the success we had if we drafted reefer head ricky williams like all you fuckin idiots wanted.

    You want this great city to stop being needlessly ripped by the national media? How bout we stop needlessly ripping its greatest quarterback.

    • Chickie September 19, 2013 at 11:49 am

      I gotta agree with Jaden. It really bothered me and still does that people dump on McNabb so hard. He played the game and tried to have fun. Because it’s a fucking GAME. McNabb couldn’t win. He got serious, people dumped on him. He tried to keep positive and laugh and brush stuff off and tried to move on, people dumped on him. He stayed quiet on all the TO stuff during the season, he got dumped on. When he finally spoke out a bit about the TO debacle after the season had ended for the Eagles and it wasn’t going to ruin the chemistry in the locker room to do so, he got pissed on. Everyone was wanting his side of the situation and he waited until it wasn’t going to impact performance in games to do so, and he got the ‘Oh, why are you bringing this up now, wah wah wah.’ even though we were ALL wanting his opinion.

      F the media, F the fans who just refused to cut the guy ANY slack, and F TO and Freddie Mitchell who were slamming Five just to make themselves look good.

      • Mayor of Chicago September 24, 2013 at 3:41 pm

        Love Mcnabb ! You idiot

    • Maxie September 19, 2013 at 5:35 pm

      Thank you Jaden. I am so sick of this McNabb bashing and for what? Because he is overly sensitive and sometimes puts his foot in his mouth? That gigantic dick Cataldi and his haters are only pissed off because McNabb would never give him the time of day! He rants and raves about McNabb not letting go while he keeps doing the same thing. McNabb gave the team a lot of good years. Cataldi contributes nothing and could leave tomorrow and no one would notice. No we did not win a SB and McNabb might have an inflated opinion about himself but as you said, he has never done anything to bring shame to the city or team. I have lost a lot of respect for McCoy after that incident with his child’s mother

  • Jaden September 19, 2013 at 11:47 am

    No, he didnt win the big one, but he won a helluva lot more than most whove ever put on an eagles jersey.

  • John September 19, 2013 at 12:01 pm

    I accidentally dropped one of my Donovan McNabb football cards … looked down … and then accidentally took a dump on it …

    • John September 19, 2013 at 12:02 pm

      Forgot to mention, the dump was SOOO hard

    • West Philly Kid September 19, 2013 at 12:20 pm

      Lame

    • West Philly Kid September 19, 2013 at 12:26 pm

      Did you come up with that weak McNabb joke all by yourself or did your parents yell down into the basement to help their 35yr old loser of a son with this lame attempt at being funny.

      • John September 19, 2013 at 12:37 pm

        it was in response to Jaden and Chickie’s posts .. obviously a joke, douche

        • West Philly Kid September 19, 2013 at 12:46 pm

          @Cornball John you leave 2 corny McNabb jokes,and then get all butthurt when someone calls you on it and you call me the douche(LOL).

  • AL Tru September 19, 2013 at 12:26 pm

    Both McNabb and Vick are great atheletes; but they both have the same flaws….focusing on the primary receiver and missing the open man. McNabb didnt know how to put touch on the ball….even Rothlisberger can do that. Mcnabb gave his all here in Philly. He should be respected for that. Andy and Marty couldn’t dial up a good play in 14 years. Right Kyle ? LMAO

  • RangersYankeesNYGiantsFan September 19, 2013 at 12:37 pm

    Donovan McNabb is the greatest QB in Eagles history and is he appreciated by the Philadelphia fans(HellNo).

    And you Philly morons wonder why you’re the most hated fan base in America.

    • ThePhillyFlash September 19, 2013 at 1:40 pm

      McNabb has all the numbers and might even get into Canton one day, but the greatest quarterback in Eagles history is Norm Van Brocklin who not only won a championship (1960), he defeated Vince Lombardi’s Green Bay Packers for the title, the only team that beat him in the postseason. Kindly study up before you come around here with your New York stench.

      Meanwhile, the McNabb bashing is old and tired, even for me. I hope that after tonight, we won’t have to rehash all this nonsense ever again.

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